So I woke up with a tractor-trailer parked in my bedroom.
It wasn't the most pleasant awakening I've had, but it wasn't the most startling either. As I laid in my bed, I wondered what a semi was doing in the suburbs when I saw the Publix* logo on the side of the cab.
Except, the closest Publix was five miles away, and the highway was five miles ten miles away in the same direction. Also, I lived on a dead end street.
My initial confusions were supplemented by an unsure feeling as to why I couldn't move out of the bed. I finally turned my head away from the flame-decorated truck and towards my bed. The support beam lying across me cleared up the question, and was also useful in explaining the strong pain around my midsection.
I rolled the big piece of wood off of me and cursed as I looked at the damage. I had done so much to keep the carpet clean and now it was ruined. The soda I didn't finish last night was all over the place.
As the pain slowly subsided, I came to realize that I already used the "semi-ran-through-my-house" excuse to get out of work. My boss would want pictures again, though at least I won't have to fake them.
I heard the door slam on the other side of the truck. A low groan, then, "Not again" came into my ears. This guy still had his license after the first time? I planned on having a long discussion with the trucking division of Publix later.
A potbellied man came around the nose of the slightly dented front of the truck. If he sounded redneck or blue collar at all, I would've sworn he was Larry the Cable Guy. Flannel shirt, blue jeans, and a camo cap. Instead, though, he had a classy British accent. Hearing it clearly for the first time nearly made me flop back down on my bed in surprise.
"Well this can't be good," he said, surveying the damage.
"Well no shit, it can't. What do you mean by, 'Not again', anyway?"
"I've had a rough morning, alright? You feeling okay?"
"No, I think I got decapitated."
"Well, you'd better get that checked out. It you don't, well, I'm sure you'll make heads roll here!"
I started hating him at that pun. He laughed to himself as I imagined him drinking tea. Then I imagined myself smashing the teacup in his face. The house can be repaired, but I cannot excuse terrible humor.
"So what brings you here?" I asked.
"Oh, your tires were overinflated?"
"No, Sears is having a blowout sale across the street. My cabin says Publix but the trailer and cargo are for Sears."
"So why are you trying to deliver your stuff through my house?"
"Sears is on a hill, and my brakes failed."
"Then you ended up here."
"No, at your neighbor's place."
"Then how'd you get here?"
"The towtruck had a blowout."
"So their truck's tires were overinflated?"
"No, they're the cheapest in town! So naturally, going up the hill, their cheap cable broke."
"And now you're here."
"Yep. And the tow company is making me pay for the distance they moved me, the buggers."
"How do you know?"
"That's what they've been yelling since I crashed through."
Oh, I thought I heard a buzzing.
"Well, texting me," the English redneck-type trucker continued.
Right. Buzzing. I took some pictures at the scene with my phone and sent them to my boss. He replied 'Again? Good luck, kiddo.' I hated being called kiddo.
Eventually a new tow company came. The cheap guys promised to pay for damages since it was their cable that broke. I watched the trucker jump back into the cab. He rolled down his window when the semi was fully pulled out of my house.
"Looks like you've got a blowout here in your house!" he cheerfully shouted back at met. I hated him even more.
My neighbor with the less recently destroyed home came out to watch the second towing company's attempt. The truck was slowly pulled up the steep hill, trailer-first, when there was a loud SNAP! The semi started rolling back down the hill, chased by the newly broken tow truck chain. It gained speed until it smashed, cab first, into a third house next door to mine.
"Mondays," my neighbor said to me, shaking his head as he headed home. I couldn't have agreed more.
*Author's Note for the ignorant: Publix is a grocery chain in the southeastern United States